Why is it so hard for some separated parents to agree on a schedule for their children? (Part One)

Most parents living separately need to decide on a schedule for when their children will spend time in each of their homes. If they are going through a divorce, they are required to submit such a schedule to the court.

Agreeing on a schedule is often the biggest hurdle for separated parents for a number of reasons.

First, schedules set up a zero sum game: when the children are with one parent, the other parent is losing time with them. And time—time when the children are in your care and in your home—determines to a great extent your relationship to your children.

When you and the other parent were still together, the children lived with you. How much time you actually spent doing things for or with your children mattered less than the fact that you lived with them. Think about it. Living under one roof with your children, you could be out of town for two weeks and not worry about your status as their mother or father. You might miss them terribly. You might talk to them every day by phone. Still, you weren’t there; the parent at home was in charge of their daily needs. And yet the important factor was that, at the end of your time out of town, you returned home to your children. You all slept under the same roof.

Now, living under separate roofs, you only return home to your children during the times they are scheduled to be with you. The time your children spend with you becomes a major part of what defines you as their parent.