Marital Mediation for a Troubled Marriage

South Carolina's governor, Mark Sanford, has been much in the news lately as he has talked widely about his adultery and the state of his marriage to Jennifer Sullivan Stanford, his wife of twenty years. Jenny has said she can forgive him if he's willing to return to their marriage and work on it; he has said he wants to do that.

How can these two, caught up in such a public situation, best move to work on their marriage? According to news reports, they've already tried counseling. Perhaps it's time for them to try a new approach--marital mediation.

Laurie Israel, a mediator in Boston, has written an article that gives a good description of how marital mediation works.

If you're considering divorce, especially if you and your spouse have children, ask someone who's been divorced for ten years or more whether they'd choose to do it again. Most will say they wish they'd worked harder to stay married. Raising children in two households is harder and much more complex than doing so in one household.

If your marriage is in trouble, consider marital mediation as a first option.

Why is it so hard for some separated parents to agree on a schedule for their children? (Part One)

Most parents living separately need to decide on a schedule for when their children will spend time in each of their homes. If they are going through a divorce, they are required to submit such a schedule to the court.

Agreeing on a schedule is often the biggest hurdle for separated parents for a number of reasons.

First, schedules set up a zero sum game: when the children are with one parent, the other parent is losing time with them. And time—time when the children are in your care and in your home—determines to a great extent your relationship to your children.

When you and the other parent were still together, the children lived with you. How much time you actually spent doing things for or with your children mattered less than the fact that you lived with them. Think about it. Living under one roof with your children, you could be out of town for two weeks and not worry about your status as their mother or father. You might miss them terribly. You might talk to them every day by phone. Still, you weren’t there; the parent at home was in charge of their daily needs. And yet the important factor was that, at the end of your time out of town, you returned home to your children. You all slept under the same roof.

Now, living under separate roofs, you only return home to your children during the times they are scheduled to be with you. The time your children spend with you becomes a major part of what defines you as their parent.

Divorce in a Depressed Housing Market

“We can’t sell our house in this market. If we did, we’d be upside down on our mortgage, and we don’t have the money to pay it off.”

I’m hearing that lament more and more from clients. They want to move apart and put a legal end to their marriages, but they’re stuck with a house that’s worth less than the payoff balance on their mortgage.

Articles have appeared in several newspapers during the past few months, highlighting this problem. When the economy was good, most homeowners’ largest asset was the equity in their homes. Couples dividing assets in a divorce usually chose one of two options: sell the house and divide the net proceeds, or have one spouse keep the house, refinancing the mortgage in order to pay half of the equity to the relinquishing spouse.

In today’s housing market, when so many couple’s homes have little equity or are even worth less than their mortgages, traditional options go out the window. In their place are two much less desirable options: one of them stays in the house--and both of them stay tied to the mortgage--or they both walk away, allowing the house to go into foreclosure and ruining their credit ratings.

This dilemma is making divorces more prolonged and expensive, as couples fight over who gets stuck with the house. Some couples, unable to afford separate residences, continue to cohabit uneasily as they wait for their home to regain value.

I’ve recently mediated two cases where couples wanted to set up agreements to help them live separate lives while they continue to live under the same roof. Each couple was able to create a structured agreement setting up “on-duty” periods when each was responsible for overseeing their children’s needs, getting them to schools and activities, etc. Their agreement included financial arrangements and ground rules for behavior when in the house together.

Mediation provided a solution to a very difficult situation. These couples still have to deal with the ambiguity of living under the same roof, of course, and the situation definitely puts off or at least slows down the emotional separation process. On the other hand, their arrangements support them in dealing creatively with conflicts as they arise, thus lessening negative impacts on their children. They have found an effective way to deal with an almost impossible situation, and it's one that they themselves created together.

Why do I use the name “Creative Resolutions”?

When I began this work in 1991, I wanted a name that would reflect what this work is all about. Using the name “mediation” would convey one of the methods I use, but I use other methods--coaching, consulting, analyzing, advising--and all of these methods are only means to a goal.

My goal is to support clients to deal successfully with difficult problems and conflicts.

People who come to work with me are stuck in a situation that they don’t feel able to deal with on their own. It may be a relationship problem--a couple, a parent and child, coworkers--where you want to preserve and improve how you are together. It may be a relationship that is ending--a marriage or a family business--where you need to make arrangements that will end one relationship while preserving another. Divorcing parents are ending their marriage, but they need to continue their relationship as co-parents of their children. If they remain stuck in anger and hostility, their children will suffer the consequences.

If you fit into any of these situations, you may not be able to see a clear way to get unstuck and resolve the conflict. I offer a supportive process that (1) empowers you to develop the information you need to be clear about your own wants and needs and (2) helps you listen so you can be clear about the wants and needs of the others involved in the problem.

This process is “creative” in the best sense of the word. Getting clear about yourself and understanding the other--even when you don’t necessarily agree--gives you a sense of power and possibilities. From that place, you determine the best outcome, the “creative resolution” for yourself.